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Sunday, April 10, 2016

A Thousand Different Skies

I want to pack my life into a car
neatly -- which I'm good at --
and drive across these states in messy and distortionary lines.

I want to see the world from its highways
clear views, of open spaces --
swim in rivers, sleep in canyons,
and look upon a thousand different skies.

I want to be so, singularly alone
to know the crushing solitude of a tent for one, a meal for one, a car for one
walk down forest paths like a Gretel without siblings
and know, that I'll be fine.

Or, I want a partner
a lover who craves loneliness as much as I do,
who points us out above as coupled stars:
which exist only until the light of their destruction arrives.

(We are not pessimists.
We are physicists,
and know the only constant here is time.)

I want to exist in the side country.
To spend hours in the drivers seat and days walking through deserts,
balance my stays in gravel-floored campgrounds
with cold nights on mountain-sides.

I want cities to be an exception
like civilization is just one more biome,
where the grass is blunt-ended and you can't see sunrise.

I'm going to pack my life into a car.
Maybe this year, maybe later.
I'll crank the windows, scan the radio,
push my pedal down, and drive.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

In High Places

I'm leaning over the balcony,
looking into an open space.
The sunlight is gathered in
through the wall of windows.
If I pushed and let myself
topple, I would land on my head,
but not die.
I think about the balloon,
the light singing out from the horizon,
leaning over the wicker sides and saying Yes,
if I jumped, this would kill me.
I think about my fears.
Coming home to a dark house with cars in the driveway,
my advisor's casual comments about bulimia,
steeling my body like armor against the words of an audiobook.
The railing of a balcony is not included.
My professor passes behind me, calling "Don't jump!"
and giving me a smile.
I don't tell her that's exactly what I'm thinking about.
I don't tell her I've never contemplated suicide
or self harm; not even once
although its more than true.
I think about my fears.
I think about the women whose lives I can't change,
and all the harm I've done.
I think about wanting
to help them gather in the sun.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

The Jungle

I said something stupid to Emily,
last week. I write her an email
to apologize. My regret is sincere
but I keep the tone lighthearted,
because after all I need
to sleep, tonight.
I joke at the end that
like Jorge in The Jungle,
"I will work harder!"
(This cavalier tone is probably
A Mistake. I make enough of them
to know.)
She sends a reply reminding me
how serious this is
and how easy it would be
to hurt her. I already know.
She must not have read
The Jungle. If I thought she had,
I never would have included
the quote. It's what Jorge says
every time he's about to take
the world on his shoulders,
to protect
the people that he loves.
(The reader knows this is
A Mistake. Perhaps Jorge does
as well.) I know I should
reply to Emily, tonight,
but instead I turn out
the lights. Like Jorge,
I take my sleep in
the small places I can find it.

XX---

Sunday, April 27, 2014

white

Everything looks
white today. I held up
my head this morning to the light:
it was white. All the colors
of our window, crushed into
a single rainbow wavelength on our wall.
Everything
looks blank today. I spent
the afternoon in our library: white
stacked with white books on the walls,
my eyes fixed on the table
on my papers
white. Everything looks
empty, today. Like the way
computer screens look in the dark, or
the way words fled
out of my head, tonight,
looking at you and
pretending to think. Everything
looks barren today. A fallow
field, static on my handheld
radio. A reflection of
space, but reversed
like all the sky is white and
all the stars are gone.
Everything felt white
today. Not in combination but
without, an absence
like my world without
a place,
like your life without
me. I wanted to see
your colors, but it is
only
white
to me.


XX---

Friday, April 25, 2014

Revelations

You grew up in a penthouse
where your friends were maids.
I have never seen a cop car
I have never gotten laid.
Your eyes are brown, like chocolate,
and they fill me with desire,
when your neighbors barn was burning down
I put out the fire.
Once I watched the sun spin
through a thirty-hour day,
sometimes you see colors
but to me the world's grey.
I will never visit Israel
and never see the Wall
when you ask for me to kiss you
I want you to be tall.


X----

Thursday, April 24, 2014

tense

i wanted to be half of a circle,
like the half-moon of your nails:
the night's draped in moonlight, this month's first full,
which falls over campus in veils.

books in a library stacked tight in rows
their colors all scattered to grey,
patches we sewed to make clothing rainbowed
until it grows threadbare and frayed.

nightly i held you, i guarded your worth
my watch marking minutes gone by --
this phone is my anchor: a weight, and a berth
as kind and capricious as sky.

the road home's half-lit, by streetlights and fear,
but our room is darker by far --
i love you, i want you -- you're precious, my dear
your sweetness, your silence, your scars.


XXXX-

Sunday, April 20, 2014

you spent the morning in my hand

you spent the morning in my hand
me waiting for the call we'd planned
my warm phone held so tight, so strong,
left waiting for some firm command.

I've watched its little face so long
ready for her name, its song,
distantly expecting more
but that assumption feeling wrong.

I'm not sure what I want you for
what comfort I think you'll restore
can words intwine our lives anew?
who are you to me anymore?

our lives spill past, our plans fall through
my future changed, and your life grew
your voice and face, my mind has banned
until my phone awakes for you.


XXXX-

Thursday, April 17, 2014

a street

sometimes I turn off the black little face of my phone
so that I can be alone
and not have to worry about you worrying about me.
I know you're expecting me home tonight
but I'm too young to be expected or predicted or usual
I don't want to be important or anticipated or waited on
I just need to be alone
I have to be alone.
sometimes I turn off the blank little face of my phone
so I don't feel at home
I don't want to be at home
have you noticed how little time I spend there
it's not because of family or mem'ries or suburbia
it's not because I hated childhood, it's because I'm too well denied
living inside a set of lines, that I made -- for my life.
I don't need to be spontaneous or individual or adventurous
I don't want to be a rebel, hopping freight trains like my father
so the only lines that defined him were the tracks he runs over and the states that he crosses
I don't need to be my sister, hitchhiking down the coast because 11th grade got complicated
and you can be sure that the pencil strokes of her note weren't the only lines she left behind
but I don't need to defy
I don't need to defy
I just need to not -- be defined
can you understand.
can you understand why sometimes I turn off the blank little face of my phone
even in a room full of people
just so I know that no one who loves me
can find me
and this isn't a cry for help, it's a plea for understanding can you understand
that I'm not -- old enough to be at home
I don't -- want to be at home
but this place is beginning to feel -- familiar
this room is as messy as the one I grew up in
you are as constant as a cat or a mother -- or a street
how can you be a street, without a home
you are -- a home
I am -- at home with you
but I don't want to be at home
I can't be at home
do you understand.
do you understand why sometimes I turn off the blank little face of my phone?

XXXX-

cyclical

it smells like rain.
it smells like rain, and I only feel safe in the shadows.
it smells like rain and I only feel safe in the shadows, which worries me.
I only feel safe in the shadows: which only worries me at night
like poems only worry me at night
because every day is a flood
of forgetting and forgetting and remembering
discussing imagining considering
and forgetting again,
replacing each thought with something new until nothing stays anymore
a cycle that feeds and fills your life, unless
you are forgetting the only thing worth while.
right now the only thing worthwhile is that it smells like rain.
it smells like rain, and I only feel safe in the shadows.

XX---

Little Corner

I wish
I could write
tonight.
I wish I could tell you all the goddamned things
that inundate my brain,
creep in, tendrils of unease --
how I grasp at friendship in
the unlikeliest of places,
and thrust aside
old friends I have,
how I watch my email count grow higher
and higher,
but never respond and yet
can hold conversations for hours in places
uncommon, uncomfortable, home,
how I try to comfort the woman
who wants me to hold and I hurt
one I wanted myself.
I wish I could explain
how alone I feel, not here,
in every spoken moment of my life
how alone I feel, surrounded,
over-voiced
in a crowd.
I wanted to tell you
that I feel connected in this
dark, lonely room
that I feel alive here
that I feel at home, here,
that I don't
feel the same
in this little corner
of life ---

X----