how to justify

it was the first time we'd spoken but my tongue felt

loose instead of tied it was like instead of drying up

our conversations just got less conducive to people

it wasn't an interaction between humans, but ideas:

because over the past four years our thoughts have

never changed. I could always predict the next word

to exit your less-than-beautiful lips. the only change

was to the supplementals, in our reactions; the way

I shifted when you pressed your leg up against mine

or how I don't watch you anymore when you speak -

you boasted improvement for the future but I didn't

respond, you could say I'm not as optimistic as you

(at least not anymore) and, besides, I know myself

and neither of us can gaze in the heart of the other.

it was the first time we'd spoken, but my heart felt

less gulping than grudging. you seized the future,

but my darling, I'm still struggling through the past.

XX---

If you can find the pun in the title... you rock.

Internally

You agreed with me

You said you felt old

And that the sun was sapping our strength on that field,

And that we shouldn't fill out forms.

You agreed with me, once again

You offered something repetitive of yourself

And told me I'd be happy (I think)

And talked about yourself.

Let's agree. Let's say I'm happy

Let's say we both worry about money,

And four years isn't so long.

I wish I knew what was inside of you.

I wish I could touch something

You didn't mean for me to see.

X----

rainbow bones

I wanted to show you the confidence you might expect from these rainbow socks.

I wanted to walk in to a gust of music and let it wash over my body like light

and be filled to the brim with assuredness.

I wanted to smile into your eyes and show you

how easily all my features settle together when I am happy.

how instinctual it becomes to wrap my arms around another human when I feel loved

when I feel home.

I listened to the first bass drop from the towering speakers,

and I wanted to slip out of my shoes, and my cape, and my skin,

I wanted to let the sound waves crash through my bones, rattle them into a rythym,

take the floor with some sort of unadulterated joy and remind us both that my feet dance by themselves

and my hands' motion feels smoother than silk

when I know the song.

what I really wanted was to walk through that door, my friend - that thin-plated door -

and throw off my cloak to show you the adult I've become.

show you the eighteen years of flesh I've built up inside, a flesh of feeling and self

a flesh that knows how to leap into the air and how to open itself up but apparently not how to dance

not even in the rain.

instead I walked in and barely remembered how to exist here. how to feel safe

how to feel like dancing with my feet off the floor.

I'm sorry how my eyes stayed on the ground, even my smile,

I'm sorry that I felt as young as I used to before I owned these rainbow socks, it should have been different

I wanted it all to be different when I saw you again

but all I could think of, looking at you,

was how very similar we are.

XX---

It's Been __ Months

It was a lie of conviction, that one year was long enough.

I s'pose I understood better... but I was still wrong enough.

I poured my life out in music, composing halves of our duet,

But the only singer was I: and I'd heard that song enough.

A self-isolation, blocking windows, cutting friends

Sixteen months in seclusion: now am I strong enough?

You tried to gather me up. Wind me back onto your spool

I'm your toy, your possession; but now I won't come along enough.

I climbed into your lap, I fell into your arms, and I felt it -

But I can't sink back into your heart. Now I'll never belong enough.

I've come to terms with your absence. Your shadows are gone

But do you know? How can I ever prolong enough?

 I thought life would get better, I thought the past would all fade

And it mae. I wasn't wrong - but I was still wrong enough.

XX---

How to Get Found: A Guide to Driving Home

Step 1: Feel a little lost inside.

Start out somewhere you love and leave through the front door like you always do

And let the dark night air overtake you as you are pressing the key forward in the ignition,

And just as the engine grumbles into motion realize

That you don't want to go home.

As you pull away from the curb and orient yourself realize

That you don't want to leave this car,

This perpetual motion machine that is aways in suspension between one place and another,

You want to stay in limbo, you want to stay in flux,

And it's not that you don't want to go home it's just

That you don't want to be anywhere, you want to be in transit

Without a destination or a path.

Step 2: Take a left turn where you usually take a right.

Find a familiar intersection and forget the turn signal,

There's no one else on these residential streets at midnight,

Take the mental map of your small, small world and start filling in gaps

Like that road behind the park that might be a dead end

Or the other end of your best friend's street

Or just take a left turn where you usually take a right

And see what happens.

Seek out the twistier hills where you can speed

At a whole four miles over the 25 limit

And make it feel like mach 2

Flip on the radio to the most auto-tuned pop you can find

And every time you turn onto another street you don't know, turn the music up a little

Until you can advertise your adventures as sound waves through the windows

Scratch that, roll down the windows and try to catch the wind in your fingers

With both hands safely on the wheel.

Step 3: Start to feel a little uncertain

Drive for four full minutes without recognizing where you are

Take six left turns and still end up on a different street every time

Try to catch a glimpse of the street signs as your headlights flash past them

And peer into the dark for landmarks

And after thinking you've finally found yourself three times in a row

Make the stunning realization that all LFP streets look the same

Every time you begin to feel the endorphins of mild panic in your system

Throw your head back and laugh

Even when you aren't sure you'll find your way out

Step 4: Escape the labyrinth

Begin to turn onto only larger streets

Seek out neighborhood arterials and be surprised when there are other cars around

Which might actually know where they're going

Use your well-honed survival skills to support you:

Trying to figure out which way is North is fine

But turning around is illegal

Go ahead and attempt to use the position of the moon as a crude navigational tool

But mostly make turns based on momentary whims

And eventually you'll find your way out.

Discover yourself in the opposite direction of where you expected

Or possibly back where you first began.

Drive down a familiar road and lower the music until you can hear your heartbeat in your ears and then

Step 5: Repeat,

Get addicted to the rush and the bass beat of the next song,

Crave the freedom of letting go of decisions

And the relief of finding home.

Step 6: Exhaust yourself with exultation

Intoxicatingly concentrated within your little metal container on wheels

And point yourself towards home.

Let the music quiet as you tread through familiar waters

And take an unusual path to your driveway.

Roll down the concrete like you've been on your way home for a few minutes,

Instead of an hour and a half,

And sit with the engine off to hear the last song out until it ends.

Climb out of the seat and walk through the dark

And take the usual path to the door. Spend the rest of your foreseeable night

Being predictable. Wrap up the hour you lost inside yourself,

Without telling anyone,

And try not to regret the gas bill.

XXXXX

All I'd need or ask for

A little serotonin

A little time alone

Is all I'd need or ask for

In order to go on

I don't mean to be serious

My world's spinning straight

But I only need the answers

When it's lonely and it's late

A little seratonin

A little time with friends

Is all that I could wish for

To make it to the end

XX---

Originally thought this up as a song, loosely to the tune of "Crucify Your Mind" by Rodriguez.

sthguohT

Spill out, letters on digits in columns

Or at least in rows, magazine clippings I

Cried. Labels I want you, I want

More than your address I tried to add it up

I balanced again, ancestral savings and inflation

And where to stay. Too near

Jumble, anagram thoughts into cohesion or

Not, headaches

Headaches hunger I

Cried. I didn't have anyone I

Postage stamps wanted but used, only

No longer sticky I'd like scales

Please weigh my emotions-- my future-- my fears----

My hyphens, heavier than

Jumbled. Anagram my thoughts into

Cohesion, or

Calmness, or

Not.

X----

to the undecided

I counted out my confidence in paper bills:

creased into thirds, they enveloped fear

lakes lead to rivers through mountains, through hills,

skimming past my new town. too small, and too near.

I planted belief in the bright summer hours

they grew by the light of the late winter's moon:

empty water, flat, alone and empowered -

the silent stroke, the sunrise soon

straps on the car and a box in the seat

no passenger room: the lap belt is gone,

I'll miss you. no matter what lives I complete

I'll miss you. you'll always be dawn.

XXX--

four white corners

counting pictures on my wall, one two three

how many memories will i take with me

one drawing, two lists, four photographs

the first disc i was given, my first wookie as staff

a candle, some feathers, what stays behind

a note that she wrote and a poem that he signed

or the prints that, like family, hung over my head

for fourteen years, they watched over my bed

i can't take these white walls, that i wrote on in pen

or the ceiling i walked on, again and again

i don't want certificates or the poster of snow

the quotes can all stay but the art must all go

mostly i want the deep dark, the night air

give me feelings of home: the rest, i don't care

but i'll miss all the promises of this room

the cast open drapes, the sunrise view

and all the things i wanted to do

(like give that painted rose to you)

my future, in brief, is contained in one thing

a tassle of green, gold and blue string

and when i shut the door on this room for good

i won't give up nearly as much as i should.

XXXX-

Rely on Me

I wanted to protect you

Like older siblings are supposed to.

I wanted to step between your shouting and tell him to stop

Because I know you're a good kid.

Even if I'm the only one who says it,

You're a good kid.

I wanted to take her place for a moment

And act like the hero for once in my life,

Or drop my bags and run over to where you were

And shut down your father's attacks.

I wanted to fix it, my friend,

I wanted to let you know that someone's on your side.

I wanted to be more than your buddy, to be your leader

And show you that you could rely on me.

Instead I turned my head and walked away.

I wanted to fix it

I wanted to protect you

But I told myself there was nothing I could do.

XX---