$200,000

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. 5 zeroes.

My future.

I see it laid out before me in numbers, but not in money.

I pay the 1.25 bus fare every Tuesday night,

I have $1,000 worth of kayak-shaped plywood in my basement,

And if I dropped EVERYTHING today maybe I could get a job that pays $20,000 a year, tomorrow.

That's 4 zeroes.

But as for those 5 zeroes, that two hundred thousands dollars -

That's different.

Yeah, I see it in numbers, but not in money.

I see it in years.

I see it after my first 17 in a hopefully long life,

I see it from my 26th, and LAST, semester in the public school system

And I see 8 more semesters up ahead.

Yeah, I see 4 planned years before me,

But I see the potential, too, for years beyond.

I see 27 month Peace Corps tours

And 4 months as a ski bum,

I see 6 weeks spent in Europe and 1 climbing Mt. Rainier

In my future, I see a 6 year odyssey of travel, of exposure, of life -

But not in those 5 zeroes.

Not in that crippling debt.

In that I see 4 glorious years and 1 decade of soul-crushing worry.

I see a straight path where

4 years of college becomes 2 years of grad school becomes 40 years of work -

But I don't see the less than or greater than symbols, I don't see the variables, where is my choice?

Because let's be honest, numbers can't quantify how I feel about that debt

It's feeling like you're so far underwater you don't know if you'll ever resurface

It's seeing your future stretched out before you and adding two - brick - walls -

It's hearing the hesitation in your friends' voices and wondering, if they are as scared to hell as you are

Because there's no way

You're getting out of this

Whole.

But -

What am I saying.

There's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 - 5 zeroes.

But - they're just zeroes.

They're nothing to be afraid of

If they're nothing

At all.

XXXXX
(This poem is really meant to be PERFORMED, but I don't have footage of my reading, unfortunately.)

Little Reassurances

Tell me it will all matter, someday.

Tell me the world is still spinning.

Tell me the truth would hurt a little less, if I didn't lie so much.

If I absorbed words and stayed quiet.

Tell me that after all this, it will still be the same tomorrow.

Tell me 17 isn't young enough.

Tell me the rain is still and the earth falls towards it.

Tell me I'm alive. Tell me I'm really, really alive.

Tell me the world is small and the world is big and the world is mine

Tell me you're mine.

Tell me anything. Tell me whatever you want,

As long as you tell me in that quiet-real voice of yours,

Which tells me it'll all be okay.

XXX--