Struggling

My traditional "Day 0" poem - because I'm always too excited to actually wait until April 1st.

Tonight I’m struggling harder than I’m supposed to be.

Tonight the keys aren’t clacking in symphony, they are

Darting out from under my fingers, playing keep away

My pinky hovering over the white square marked “delete”.

Tonight I’m struggling harder than I’m supposed to be.

Tonight the thesaurus blinks waiting behind my poem,

An electronic brain supplying the connections I can

No longer formulate, links highlighted in blue

So I don’t have to seek them out.

Tonight I’m struggling harder than I’m supposed to be.

Tonight my letter spellings are coming slower than my morning traffic jam,

And I just need a weekend beyond this one to re-gather myself and just

Breathe.

Tonight I’m struggling harder than I’m supposed to be.

Tonight should be easy. Tonight should be full of momentum and snap –

Tonight, instead, the cursor sits blink, blink blinking like it’s waiting for me;

The clock clicks one, two, three seconds out after the last colon,

And the webpage sits waiting, refreshing, remaining.

Tonight I’m struggling harder than I’m supposed to be.

Tonight there are too many pathways in my head and

None of them is sharp enough, none has the focus I – am seeking –

Tonight I’m not thinking straight but in non-convalescing curves,

In imbedded hierarchy lists with too many layers and not enough clarity.

Tonight I can’t get my head to line up with my fingers, my words, my lingering heartbeats

Tonight I’m struggling harder than I’m supposed to be.

And the only continuum, the only connection in my synapse snaps is one unattainable –

The one distant, lingering, unreachable memory of the present:

Tonight I’m

Struggling harder than

I’m supposed to

Be –

To touch that

Frighteningly evanescent feeling

Of you.

XX---