At Night

You used to always be there at night.

It wasn’t just the childhood-hazy plasticine stars, it wasn’t just bedtime whisperings

Or the way you made sure the closet doors were closed:

You used to always be there at night.

It wasn’t just the TV on low when you were too cool to spend daylight with me,

When the door separating us from our consciences was slowly slid shut;

It wasn’t just the infomercials and the late-night chatline ads –

It wasn’t just while we were awake.

You see, you used to always be there at night.

I could tell when I finally stood up as silently as I’d learned from you

And slid back the door as silently as I’d learned from you,

And passed by your bedroom on tip-toed toes seeking solid floorboard, I could tell –

I could tell that you had been the last one asleep that night.

That you had been waiting with me.

You used to always be there at night.

Sometimes I went to bed and your light was still shining on,

Sometimes I woke up when the front door opened and you slipped through,

Sometimes I sat at my open window and just stared unseeing past the sky

As you smoked weed in the basement while our parents were out,

And sometimes you were six thousand miles away

But while you were on that airplane I was in your bed, I was remembering,

And I was waiting for you to come home.

Because you used to always be there at night.

Somehow time slipped past us and you moved out and you moved on

But that didn’t change how I felt about you, that only made me proud

And suddenly when things came crashing down and you came back I realized

That now you’re no longer here at night.

It wasn’t being gone. It wasn’t that you were missing too long.

It’s that I can’t remember that girl whose eyes met mine in our wall-wide mirror.

It’s that I can’t hold onto the light under your door when you’re the one thing I’m trying to get away from,

The one thing that fills up my head when they’re fighting again,

The one thing that I try to flood out ever day with the noise and conversation and anything

And now you’re no longer here at night.

The one time you were constant, the one time you didn’t flicker like the lit end at the window

Well, now you’re no longer here at night.

Now when I get up silent like you taught me I don’t think about you,

Only the time and my laptop and the sleep I’ll be getting.

Now when I pass your bedroom it’s an empty shell and I don’t notice, I don’t care,

Now when I finally fall into bed and close my eyes I’m asleep before try to remember.

Now you’re no longer here at night.

It’s my one respite

From the way you haunt me in the day.

XXXX-